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Notable quotes
This page features notable quotes from London's Burning episodes. Movie First role call :Hallam: Fireman Quigley. Fireman Quigley? Sicknote, I know you're there, will you do me the honour of answering your name? :Sicknote: I've got a toothache sir. I can't talk. :Hallam: Fireman Quigley! :Sicknote: Yes Sir! ---- Tate warning Bayleaf about sexist remarks en route to the garage fire :Tate: Which way you going? Downton hill? :Bayleaf: Nah Downton's too narrow with parked cars, couldn't get more than a man down there let alone a bleeding fire engine! :Tate: Oi! ---- Vaseline doesn't want to go to Ethnic's leaving banquet :Vaseline: I'll bring bleedin' sandwiches! :Bayleaf: You've had three wives and 300 fiancees and not one of them has ever so much as buttered you a slice of bread! ---- Josie introduces herself in the dorm :Josie: Okay here we go. 1) I'm not a dyke 2) I'm not a woman's libber 3) I'm not a nymphomaniac and 4) I'm not an alien from outer space. I'm in the job cause I like it. I'm not clever enough to be a nurse or secretary, but two days and two nights a week, I'm bloody good at fighting fires. The rest of the time, I do stuff other women do. Been married for five months, I've been in the Brigade for just over a year. I've been to hundreds of shouts. So you can all behave exactly as normal, whether on shouts, in the station or in your pits. There's only one difference between you and me and that's no doubt what you're holding in your hands under your blankets, so that's only a little difference, ain't it? And sod all to do with putting out fires, unless you piss on them. Good night. ---- Blue Watch rescue a "trapped" man :Tate: A curtain ring?! How the hell d'you get a curtain ring stuck on your w-? Get Bayleaf! ---- The BA crews enter the house fire :Ethnic: Come on Rambo! Get up his arse! ---- Vaseline gets a phone call :Bayleaf: Marion. :Vaseline: Which Marion, wife or fiancee? :Bayleaf: Er excuse me Marion, are you the ugly one or the very ugly one? :Vaseline: Oi get out of it, the phone Hello love. :on the other end can be heard shouting at him about time... ...who was that anyway :Vaseline: It's just Bayleaf... Well if you only called me up to slag me off... :winds up a bell and holds it near the phone :Vaseline: Sorry love, bell's gone down. There’s a shout. Coming Sir! up :Bayleaf: Which Marion was it? :Vaseline: Never said. ---- Vaseline goes through the floor :Vaseline: Look there! There’s a kid take the hose, ARGH. Oi watch the floors watch the floors theres a kid under the bed! Malcom get the kid! I’m alright Malcom get the kid! :Malcom: IVE GOT HIM!... ---- Bayleaf confronts the mother '' :Bayleaf: You went to a bleeding disco! 3 kids on their own! Well there’s only 2 of them now ent there?! Never seen such a buggar in my bleeding life! That littleuns like a lump of melted cheese! ---- Series 1 ''”The Blind Leading The One Eyed” '' :Malcom: The bells! They’re driving me mad! :Vaseline: They’re driving us all bleeding mad! :Malcom: The Bells! Water Water! :George: The poor demented creature wants water! :Vaseline: Oh right! :Malcom: Argh! Ow my bloody head! :Hallam: Alright you lot turn it in turn it in thats enough! This happens to be a fire station not a bloody playground! :Vaseline: It’s all part of Malcoms scenario sub. Man trapped in church belfry flames licking at his hump and unlike a camel no water poor sod. :Hallam: And i’m supposed to be impressed?! :George: Millions of cinema girls were! ---- ''Vaseline accidentally ran over a cat :Vaseline: It wasn't my fault :Charisma: Cat killer :Josie: Butcher :Malcolm: Certainly the crudest form of vivisection! :Vaseline: I don't believe this! How was I supposed to know?! It was obviously an act of suicide. It's a suicidal cat, why else was it on the roof? That was probably the tenth try they're only allotted nine. It's definitely suicide! ---- :Malcolm: Well this is all rather jolly isn't it? Rather like the Last Supper. If we should hear the cock crow three times one of us could be in serious trouble! :Tate: Very droll Malcolm. Very droll! ---- Tate on Mr Malik's antiquated fire regulations :Tate: This geezer's incredible, a right cowboy :George: I thought he was an Indian?! ---- :Hallam: What you have got on? :Charisma: Aftershave. My bird gave it to me! :Hallam: Toyed with your barnet and all did she? I'm impressed! ---- Tate at the rubbish shout :Tate: Well, I've heard of a “Storm In A Teacup”. I think we’ve got a threatened blaze in a Kentucky Fried Chicken box. ---- :George: Have you seen Charisma's tart? It's only Donna. Donna. :Kevin: Donna Donna. That's her Christian name and her surname is it? ---- Tate lectures John in the office after the buried incident :Tate: Oh you're real Station Officer material you are John. Only 6 ETs in the entire area covered by the London Brigade. Thats 620 square miles and over 7 and half million people. And you call out the whole cavalry on the say so of a woman who the ADO informs me had so much meths in her bloodstream that if you struck a match by her she'd ignite!... ...Well what are you waiting for? Queens award for cock ups! ---- Bayleaf notices Jaffa's poster seeking volunteers to box for the Brigade :Bayleaf: Another one of your dead or alive posters is it Jaffa? Anyone who is not actually buried, who has four limbs, two eyes and a nose is wanted for use as a punchbag by the LFB Boxing Club. Frank Bruno You know what I mean Harry! ---- Charisma caught in a chemical explosion :Tate: QUICK! Get those hose lines in there! Protect him with spray! Pull him out! Bayleaf! For god's sake pull him out! ---- Sicknote is still moaning about missing his Cinderella panto :Sicknote: Of course you've never seen my Buttons? :Vaseline: I use a zip myself! :Josie: Haha haha! ---- George In The Police Station :Police Sergeant: I didn’t know you were in the Fire Brigade! The Inspector's got a son who’s in the Fire Brigade, he says Christmas is a time for all the family. :George: Bollocks! Series 2 :Scouser: Back up in your tree Monkey Nuts! :Tony : Oi! Caveman, don't talk to him like that! ---- George spots Julia :George: Last time I saw a bird like that I was asleep! ---- :Julia: It's in the works of Dante, have you read it? :George: Dante? No. Was he a sweeper for AC Milan? ---- George is still pining for Julia :Vaseline: Oh Judy, Judy, Judy! :George: It's not Judy it's Julia you berk! :Vaseline: Julia, Judy, what's the difference? All look the same upside down don't they? :Bayleaf: Vaseline you are disgusting! ---- Bayleaf on Vaseline living with his wife and ex-wife :Bayleaf: You're in what the Frogs call a menage-a-trois :Vaseline: No I told you it's a flat! ---- Vaseline on living with his wife and ex-wife :Vaseline: Marion 3 thinks I'm giving Marion 1 one too! ---- Tate after George & Malcom’s fight :Tate: Let me tell you something, THE ONLY THING THAT’S PERSONAL WHEN YOU’RE ON DUTY IN THIS FIRE STATION WHEN I’M THE OFFICER IN CHARGE IS THE TOILET REQUIREMENTS! IS THAT CRYSTAL?! ---- Bayleaf and Josie have crossed wires about the last shout :Bayleaf: How did it go? :Josie: How did what go? :Bayleaf: The shout. :Josie: Oh, we helped rescue some bird. :Bayleaf: Oh, let me guess, broken love affair, right? :Josie: What? :Bayleaf: Well, nine times out of ten that's what it is, with birds. :Josie: What are you talking about?! :Bayleaf: Women jumpers. :Josie: This wasn't a woman, it was a bird, called Clive! :Bayleaf: What? You mean like a transvestite?! :Josie: No, I mean like a parrot! :Bayleaf: Can we start this conversation again?! ---- Josie enters the dorm soaking wet after the lads tampered with her toilet :Vaseline: Aw what's up Jose? You look a bit flushed! ---- Sicknote and Charisma :Charisma: I step out for five minutes to get this. I come back, I go to the front room and I thought hang on, "you're in the wrong house". You've been moving the furniture! :Sicknote: It's a sort of therapy. :Charisma: It's a sort of lunacy! ---- Charisma complaining about Sicknote to Tate :Charisma: If he's not moving things about, he's grinding his teeth. If he's not grinding his teeth, he's worrying that he's getting another ulcer. If he's not worrying he's getting another ulcer, he's waking me up at three o'clock in the morning to tell me his heart's stopped! :Sicknote: My heart did stop! It stopped for several seconds, I had to get out of bed and run on the spot to get it going again! I think that's what's given me this rash! ---- :Malcolm: Ah, Firewoman Ingham. And how dare one ask is your love life? :Josie: Much the same as yours I would imagine, restricted to the odd wet dream! ---- Tate on Scase at the trapped workmen incident :Tate: That bloke's half a pork pie short of a picnic you know that! :Hallam: Better do what he said guv! :Scase: The Blackwall Mavericks' Mutiny. That's what it was out there today. Rank insubordination which is tantamount to mutiny! ---- Bulstrode and Scase :Bulstrode: You ever thought of joining a literary circle? :Scase: Oh you mean my form 10 report. :Bulstrode: Oh is that what it is? Strained my sciatic nerve just lugging the bloody thing about! Series 3 Bulstrode orders the roof removed from Maggie's car :Malcolm: You mean pretend to remove the roof sir? :Bulstrode: If I had meant pretend to remove the roof, I WOULD HAVE SAID PRETEND TO REMOVE THE ROOF! :Malcolm: Remove the roof!, take out the windscreen and administer first aid! ---- Tate learns from Blue Watch about Sandra Hallam finding lipstick on John's y-fronts :Malcolm: Guv. When our Sub was at college it seems he had a carnal relationship with a certain lady who left telltale lipstick marks on some rather intimate items of his apparel. :Hallam: It had nothing to do with no woman guv; Duffy interfered with my underwear! ---- Blue Watch and Red Watch sing to John Hallam :Have you seen the Y-front man, the Y-front man, the Y-front man? Have you seen the Y-front man with lipstick on his drawers? :There's lipstick all over my Y-fronts :The wife's in a terrible tiz :There's lipstick all over my Y-fronts :Cos I give a woman the biz! ---- Technique is summoned to Brigade HQ to account for his long spells off duty due to sickness :Officer: Are you sitting comfortably? :Technique: Well as comfortable as I ever hope to be sir. :Officer: Then I'll begin. Before the back you were off sick for five weeks with a frozen shoulder. What is a frozen shoulder? :Technique: It's when you cant feel it sir. :Officer: So you don't know if it's frozen or not? Before that there was three weeks with blurred vision. :Technique: Er I fell on my head. :Officer: Ten weeks with a torn ligament. :Technique: Yeah I tripped over a hose. :Officer: And at the end of last year you were off with a suspected strangulated colon. :Technique: Ye- :Officer: I know what strangulated means, and I know what a colon is! It's what you're trying to pull over my eyes and not just for the last couple of years. Fireman Pagnall you have a record of sickness and incapacitation stretching back over the last five years. Which leads me to believe, considering you're built like a brick carsey, that you have been swinging the lead. ---- Tate frustrated at acting up '' :Tate: So there we are John. By decree of the Area Commander, i’m about to be cost adrift on the inhospitable stormy sea of troubles that is our ground, with nothing to keep me company except a Maestro and a pager! ---- ''John unwittingly gives Bayleaf transfer papers :Hallam: There you are Mike. :Bayleaf: Cheers John. :Tate: What was that you give him!? :Hallam: Pad of form tens. :Tate: WHAT!? :Hallam: Well he was in here earlier having a man to man about his domestic problems. He reckon they’d be sold if he’d transferred to Croyden. So i dug him out a pad of form tens. :Tate: i never thought i’d hear myself say this to you John, but you are a PILLOCK! ---- Station Officer Tate catches Malcolm eating in the appliance :Tate: How many times have I warned you about grub in the appliances? You're my junior officer, what sort of example are you?! :Malcolm: My god we're famished! :Tate: Hand it over it's confiscated! ---- Sicknote is moaning about being served dumplings for lunch :Tate: Put a sock in it will you Sicknote! :(Everyone falls silent) :Kate: Well, I like them... Wouldn't fancy one of Sicknote's socks in it though! :Sicknote: There's nothing wrong with my feet! :Kevin: No, it's just where you put them! Series 4 Nick reminds Bayleaf how to behave when on duty :Nick: Just to refresh your memory. If a member of the public walks in off the street you address him as "Sir". If he asks you for the officer in charge, you take him to the officer. If you point and say "up there, mate", and he turns out to be your new Guvnor, you're going to look very stupid when you find out! ---- Kevin insults Nick, and gets punched :Kevin: Hey Zorba! Kiss my arse! :punches him :(The following episode) :Nick: In Cyprus an insult like that’s a hanging offence! ---- The pump crew travel to Kent on standby :Sicknote: Yes take a look at it while it’s still here. One of the few remaining areas on the globe that hasn't been entirely devastated by the fossil fuel industry, chemical companies effluence, genocide of the rainforests, naked avarice in the world money markets, wars and gay anti-vivisectionists! :Kate: Gay what?! :George: Give us a break Sicknote! :Hallam: Ugh, it’s not on the Geograph here :George: What aint? :Hallam: The area where the bloody fire station is. It’s off the map :Sicknote: Charming! :Hallam: Well i’m not radioing the Kent Fire Brigade to tell them that the London Fire Brigades lost it’s way. No chance! :Kate: What’s this standby about Guv? :Hallam: I don’t know! :Sicknote: What we have here is a serious lack of communication ---- Recall in a situation :Recall: I need the toilets! :Nick: What? :Recall: I need to take a piss!... ...ahhh!, that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into! Series 5 In Nick's office after they stole the Borough Street Station Officer's dentures :Malcolm: We just got our teeth into it! :Nick: Right thats your last chance, pull another stunt like that, and you wont just be disciplined you’ll be KICKED OUT! ---- :Maggie: Ere George, your mother-in-law was here earlier. :George: She weren't on fire was she?! ---- Colin upsets a little girl when he accidentally puts her pet guppies in the same tank as her brother's piranha, who eat them :Malcolm: He loves animals and children. :Kevin: I wonder why animals and children don't love him! ---- Bulstrodes Rebuke :William Bulstrode: What the hell possessed you Station Officer Georgiadis!? Have you gone totally loco!? Are you utterly out of your tiny mind!? :Nick: Sir I can’t emphasise this too strongly, i did not give that interview! He came round to the station to talk about the speech i’d given at the Chamber Of Commerce Dinner. :Bulstrode: Did you say any of this in that speech? :Nick: Well some of it yes, but i didn’t go into such lurid detail! And my chief aim in the speech was to draw attention to the fact as fire as fire safety’s concerned the modern motor vehicles a death trap! :Bulstrode: That’s got nothing to do with you! It’s not up to you to get off your hind legs and spite about the construction of the bloody modern motor vehicle! YOU WERE IN UNIFORM! You were given permission to make a speech about possible changes in fire cover with regard to Blackwall. BRIGADE ORDERS ARE SPECIFIC IN THAT RESPECT YOU ARE IN CONTRAVENTION OF BRIGADE ORDERS! You’re about LFB business, you had no right to speak off your own bat. :Nick: Sir. :Bulstrode: You know what the Brigade is doing about the escalation in numbers of deaths in car fires? :Nick: Sir i don’t. :Bulstrode: Well you may rest assured there are ongoing dialogue with the motor industry. SO YOU CAN GO ON DOING WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE DOING YOUR DUTY! NOT RIDING HOLLYHORSES AND PLASTERING YOURSELF ABOUT THE NEWSPAPERS! Series 6 Nick uses the new Tannoy '' *Nick: (Ding Dong) If you hounds in the mess can spare 5 minutes, we’ll get this appliance back on the run shall we? Lets act like were a fire station again. Firefighter Ray, you’re supposed to be in the watch room! *Billy: oops, see ya gals! *Sicknote: Can’t afford to give us automatic doors, but they can give us Big Brother can’t they! ---- ''Pearce, after Billy and Recall have come out of a refrigerated warehouse :Geoff: Look at him, he's blue all over. :Recall: Oh yeah? what colour does that make me then?! ---- George on doing roadwork with Billy :George: I'm not running behind your hearse at six in the morning. :Kevin: I should think not George, you'd look like Dracula chasing breakfast! ---- On George having the snip :Bayleaf: A vasectomy, Colin. Do you know what that is? :Colin: Oh yeah, my Auntie Rose had one of them. Cured her ulcer. Have you got an ulcer George? Series 7 Jean evicts the mangy dog Sicknote has just brought home :Sicknote: Jean! Wait, he won't be any trouble, just look at him! :Jean: I don't want to look at him Bert, he's the ugliest dog in creation and somehow fate has brought you two together. Funny that! ---- After Sicknote reminds Jean that he has played golf before :Jean: That was crazy golf, and I'' won! ---- ''Sicknote and his wig :Sicknote: You can do anything in it, swim, play sports, ride a horse. :Jean: That is good. You couldn't before! :Sicknote: What do you think, taken a few years off me eh? :Jean: Took a few off me when you walked in with it! ---- On a man trapped in a battle tank :Sicknote: We should try to think about what the Army would do in this situation. :Bayleaf: Probably call the Fire Brigade! ---- Sicknote doesn't want to eat take away :Sicknote: I can't just consume any old rubbish. :George: You talk enough of it! ---- Bulstrode puts Scase in his place :Bulstrode: I don't suppose you even fart in your bath DO Scase, do you? :Scase: I beg your pardon, sir? :Bulstrode: No need to beg my pardon, I can't wait to see the back of you! :Bulstrode: You could make a beehive look like a bunch of wandering hippies with your managerial mania! ---- White Watch from Blackwall have just put out the fire George accidentally started in his brother-in-law's burger van :Mike: Tell you what George, we'll send you a calendar for Christmas. All our regular customers get them! Series 8 On Geoff not being picked for the football team :Sicknote: That's a waste of talent. You could have stabbed them in the back as they ran out! ---- On Geoff's "Poison" nickname :SO Tallis: What's he done to get a name like that? :Nick: Earned it! ---- :Kelly: I thought firemen were supposed to be helpful. :George: That's coppers! ---- John Hallam finds Sicknote's beaded car seat cover in the pump :Hallam: Sicknote?! What the bloody hells this? :Sicknote: oh er, its for me back sub. They release tension and stress. I haven’t been kipping very well recently. My sleep patterns been interrupted by an extraneous intrusion :Hallam: Yeah well so will your work pattern in a minute cause i’ll send you home! Either you’re fit for duty or you’re not! You can't bring this in here! This is a fire engine not a bloody invalid carriage! Now whatever this extraneous intrusion is you'd better get it sorted and get a good night's kip or you'll be out: you and your wooden balls! :Kevin: Hey, Sicknote, this extraneous intrusion that's interrupting your sleep patterns. It's not Jean is it?! ---- Hallam is helping a naked man down a ladder :Billy: Sub! :Hallam: What? :Billy: Bit drafty up this passage, innit? :Hallam: Billy, shut it! :Billy: Sub! Sub! :Hallam: What do you want? :Billy: Make sure he don't sit on your helmet! :Hallam: Shut up Billy, will you? Hallam to the same man, after his angry girlfriend tries to attack him for cheating on her :Hallam: Sun's not shining out of your arse today, is it? I can vouch for that! ---- Hallams Lecture '' :Hallam: You had 4 Brigade vehicles here just now. Thats 15 firefighters from 2 stations. Not for a fire, not because you were in danger, not even for a mistake we don’t mind them. For an idiot. A stupid dangerous idiot. Well your parents are paying for that idiot. Because they pay us you see, thats how it works. Your mum, your, dad, your sister i wonder where they all are now eh? Maybe they’re in danger, maybe they’re in a fire, maybe they’re in a car crash, maybe they’re trapped somewhere and they need help. Where are we? We’re out wasting time! For an idiot! Pity really, because we might have saved them Series 9 ''Billy to Sicknote, after the chemical incident Blue Watch have been sent to turns out to be a false alarm :Billy: It's bit like your Shakespeare, innit? Get all dressed up for a pile of crap! ---- :George: What happened? :Hallam: Brilliant you only got stuck down a bloody manhole! :Clingfilm: Oh dear, I'm afraid you’ve got the appliance stuck in a manhole! ---- Finding a nickname for Skippy :Jack: We had an Australian bloke in the navy. :Billy: What d'ya call him? :Jack: Dave! ---- Skip and Billy discuss Marianne :Skippy: I think Zorba's got in there first mate. :Billy: What's he got that I ain't? :Skippy: Stripes around his helmet? ---- Billy and Recall wonder what Geoff and Clingfilm are talking about :Recall: Clingfilm We set off now Geoffrey, we could be in Gretna Green by tea time. I know a nice little bed and breakfast, they do lovely bed spreads there. ---- Jack on Pearce taking tea up to the officers :Jack: What do you do, take it in backwards? ---- Blue Watch warn Skip about Carole :George: Make sure she don't molest you, she likes toy boys! :Billy: Well she don't like me! :Sicknote: He said toy, not miniature! ---- :Nick: Where's the sub? :Jack: In the multi-gym with Poison. :Nick: Don't call him that, he's lost his dog! ---- :Geoff: I've lost Bruno. :Clingfilm: He's a bit big to lose isn't he? How did you manage that? ---- [[Episode 11 (series 9)|''Jack is about to use the jaws of life to free a cyclist glued to his bike]]'' :Luke: What you gonna do with that? :Jack: Cut your handlebars off. :George: And his saddle. He's got some glue on his nuts! Series 10 Clingfilm's camper van is on fire :Pearce: Good Lord it's Vernon's. That's his home going up in smoke! :Sicknote: Its not going Geoff it's gone! ---- At the talent contest :Billy: All right thank you. Please please please stop clapping it's a very old building! Now to the rules. Oh yeah. All the acts that make it to the end of the first round will return for an encore. That's when you the audience can make your feelings known, but I'll be the judge of who stays or who's gone. All right! :Sicknote: He's not gonging me! ---- ADO Davis reveals the main health hazard at Blackwall, some "organic matter" in the kitchen :Sicknote: That'll be my Chinese herbal preparation. It's for my psoriasis. I boil it up daily. But that's an aid to good health, it's not a threat. :ADO Davis: Is it indeed? Well I took away a sample for analysis which revealed that in addition to sundry Oriental herbs and dried plants, the mixture contained leaves, twigs, bark, grass cuttings, soil, tea leaves, pencil shavings, fish bones, a cigarette filter, an elastoplast and a dead worm. :Sicknote: You bastards! I've been drinking that! Series 11 Jack talking about Dan on a shout :Jack: Once more unto the breach! :Recall: Leave it Jack. :Jack: Look at him, it's all just a big adventure. ---- Chris Hammond introduces himself :Poison: Look I'll deal with it, this is my Watch! :Hammond: Not any more Sub, I'm your new guvnor, Station Officer Chris Hammond! ---- :Jean: I'm talking about a baby! :Sicknote: And now for a complete change of mood. Lets listen to the incomparable Kathleen Ferrie singing... a baby? :Jean: I'm pregnant! :Sicknote: Pregnant? Pregnant?! Series 12 Blue Watch sing the James Bond theme after Hammond rescues a man from a roof :Hyper: No, no no, he's more like Spider-Man! :Joe: Well I can't do Spider-Man, can I! :Hammond: Sean Connery Yes and neither can I! :Recall: Oh that's very good Guv, sounds just like Roger Moore. :Hammond: imitating Sean Connery You realise there's only one Bond, James Bond. Isn't that right, Pussy? :Joe: Blofeld These two bags Mr Bond contain dilithium crystals and radioactive manure, both of which will blow Blackwall right off the map. Are you prepared to die Mr Bond?! :Maggie: You'll die if you don't get my shopping up to that kitchen Joe Walker! ---- John Coleman introduces himself :Coleman: In case you're wondering, I'm the new Station Officer John Coleman and I've heard enough mustard jokes to last me a lifetime! ---- George after learning Hyper's secret :George: He can't be gay, it's a wind up. He likes football! ---- Blue Watch arrive at the warehouse fire :Hyper: Looks like a Chinese cash & carry Guv! :Coleman: Yeah, full of prawn crackers and fried rice! :Sicknote: And a bit of crispy duck aswell! Series 13 After it emerges that Blue is pregnant :Adam: How was I to know she was up the duff?! Category:Browse